so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
