There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
is that a dick in a sweater?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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