how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
