first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
