I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
