Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
