I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
