I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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