You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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