Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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