Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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