It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
