My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Omg I joined a choir last night...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
