guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
