Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
