So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
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