I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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