I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
