she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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