You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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