I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
