I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
