You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
