his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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