I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
