Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
