I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
