Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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