that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
