Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
