I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
