Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
