my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
