Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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