i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
