im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
