It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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