Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
