help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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