Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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