so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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