just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
