Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
