My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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