I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
