My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
