The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
