Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
that is very illegal...i love you.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
