The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
