alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
