i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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