did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
