Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
